Arianna Sikorski

GIFTS

 

There is a wade wasteland where my heart has been before.

Never once did I think it was lost, till it was gone.

I admit, I protected it, silenced its loud voice.

Knowing the moment I allowed it one syllable

It would break eardrums craving to listen to its song.

So I don't sing. One note too precious for the masses.

Accused of arrogance, I revel in this known fame.

Content. Proud to hold their desire above my own.

I am king above kings here in their naked despair.

I am their comfort against defeat that sickens them.

I am their cure. It is my gift to heal and heal well.

And so I do. I strengthen this gift with each new face.

The last receives the first, thickening the air with sighs.

 

EXPOSURE

 

But it is this air I cannot breathe in too deeply

For it is full of hidden hearts broken before me.

Toxic to my lungs I cannot satisfy their fate.

Quivers become questions not satisfactions with me.

Their eyes will begin to reflect my own. Confusion.

A loss too deep to remember but crave to forget.

And I must look away, I must stop the exposure.

A fraud. A coward. No. Weakness. Failure. Stop it now!

I am strong enough to heal, do not doubt me woman.

I close my eyes. Reopen. Hopes to reveal the man.

Fear lingers in her desperation, as I tremble.

I am a healer! I do not infect! My touch frees.

But too late, she sees just a little boy playing games.

 

GAMES

 

I do love playing games, my hands empowered to fight

I linger in the overdose of testosterone.

Each button a weapon to destroy evil intent.

I am the hero. The Alpha. The master of death.

One light touch of my finger and armies crumble down.

Valiant knights kneel at my feet as I tear out their flesh.

I am a murderer. A conqueror. A dark thief.

I break windows. Race cars. Lead teams toward desolation.

Great victories are held in my name, king above kings.

My acute focus is incomparable, Shut Up!

I battle for the sake of all that is glorious.

Do not disturb me. Do not mock me. I am your Lord.

I will erase any memories of defeat here.

 

MEMORIES

 

I don't want to remember any loss of my own.

Why insist on revisiting that abyss of shame?

A sordid moment when I first met fear in childhood.

Where these boy's eyes dilated to a blank cold stare.

The world leaves no room for soft hearts and pretty kisses.

I buried those memories under each strike of grief.

Submerged. Never to be exposed above these dark seas.

Slick oily waters of trashed perfection, hopes destroyed.

Perfumed air of toxic remedies distilled in pain.

A graveyard of hearts I once touched in bright eagerness

Now a wound so deep it runs through me, my blood a flood.

Her face spilt in agony, my kin torn violently.

Boyish smiles can never return, a heart quelled. Betrayed.

 

COUNTING

 

I can only count my victories as my justice.

One. Short pleasure obtained, curiosity broken.

Two. Three. Four. About the same, but new skills linger on.

Five through Ten. A blur. The adventurer now Master.

Twenty. I prowl in my prowess of exploration.

Twenty-five. Twenty-six. I have my favorites assigned.

Thirties. Most disdain, but I bask in my Hulk of pride.

Forty-two. New territory is the only way.

Forty-three. Forty-four. We share our masks openly.

Fifty. Boredom has stolen tastes of delicacy.

Fifty-one. Boredom causes my mind to stray. No focus.

Fifty-three or five? Faceless bodies now my trophies.

Sixty. They use me. I give freely. I am their cure.

 

TRUE LOVE

 

And for a moment, a break in monotony pops.

A beat. A beat again. Another. My heart lives.

My God, no. Do not awaken, do not open up!

She is light of my eye, my pupils narrowed, reduced.

Her perfection my heart's playground now open for fun.

I swore to be a man forever, not boyhood dreams.

Not forsaken strengths for laughter's weakness. She is mine.

Her seemingly endless cup able to hold my blood.

My cup runneth over. Her embrace envelops me.

Pain dissipates in our endless unity, true love.

And I will break every boundary, each known rule.

Unexplored bursting care I wish could be forgotten.

But it feeds me, I feed it. We are whole, exposed hearts.

 

BROKEN

 

And I knew it, the moment it began, it would die.

Never mind I will find someone like you, I wish noth…

Adele you bastard! Your acid words pour suicide.

Salty rain will not drench my face as I clench my fists.

I did not awaken. I don't sing for anyone.

It was one mistake, one note whispered, not sung aloud.

My House a legend of medicinal mastery.

I will cure this world's obsession of dazzling sickness.

Faith is for the broken, reason for the true genius.

Listen to me voices of ignorant sweet poison

You are sick, not I. Heal your fragility in me.

The wisdom of misery will silence your aching.

The master of body and soul is here to hold you.

 

MURDER

 

I know you seek death, disappointment drowning despair.

Let me be your hero, I destroy all hope in heart.

Drink my tonic from the tongue that licks thick libations

Poured through my spirit of darkened hopes and lost childhood.

There is no infant here. Only a powerful man.

I will strike down your enemies, glory in their blood.

Remorse was a final thread of love's limitation

I am now free to drag your body through my own pleasure.

It is all for you, for your good. I will set you free.

I will slice open any tenderness and salve cuts

Laying fresh cement on wounds with my handprint engraved.

Do not grieve. Death is part of life. I gently wash tears.

Trust me. The bones of innocence are now your sidewalk.

 

WORKING OUT

 

And I love to run. Jordans. Nike. Pressed on pavement.

Focus. Direction. Achievement. Success now my wind.

I can prove my worth with you laid under my fast pace.

I am always on top. Always master. Strength my gift.

Exercise is good and healthy for my heart, they say.

And I have a big one. No. Literally. It's huge.

It requires constant attention. Soft touch. I'll show you.

I will prove it. Repetition will build the muscle.

You feel it now. Breathtaking. Gasping. That final push.

Yes. I have an enormous heart and I spread the love.

It is my gift. My pleasure to offer services.

I trained for it. I maintain it daily. It's for you.

So look on ladies, this body is no kept secret.

 

SECRETS

 

I have no secrets. There is nothing to hide from you.

I told you, I am a healer. Experience me.

And you will float in a heaven sent from gods above.

I am for you. Is that not what you want? Your deep wish?

Infinite lines of women clamor  for my answers.

Reason logically reveals my hands as the cure.

Dissatisfaction not possible. Not probable.

What are you asking for? I have no secrets to hide.

I don't understand why you are angry. You ran too.

I built this track for you. It is custom made by us.

We are free here with nothing to hide. No past regrets.

Shh. Hush now. I am here. All of me for your comfort.

Here. Place your tears against my chest. Do you hear my heart?

 

HIDDEN HEART

 

What? You don't hear anything? It's there, I promise you.

You are not listening to me. Stop talking so loud.

You are drowning out its song, of course you cannot hear.

Shut up! I am not hiding. Listen intently now.

You won't stop talking. It wants to be heard. Why won't you?

I am listening to you! Get away from my heart!

It doesn't exist and neither do you. Just a face.

Just a body that won't shut the fuck up. Get away.

No. I won't show you. No. I won't respond. No. I won't.

Silence is now my refuge. My heart can only beat.

Only live. Only dream on my own. In my silence.

None of them will find it. They are all the same. The same.

I am a man. I am strong. My heart is now hidden.

 

THE MAN

 

I once was a boy and life grew me to my manhood.

Sometimes I play games. I don't mean to hurt anyone.

I wish there was a laid path created before me.

Before I created my own. I wish he was there.

The man whose path is meant to direct, to teach, my own.

A greater man than I. A stronger man than myself.

A shadow to stand in, to look up to, to model.

Someone to answer my questions. Someone to find me.

I am so lost. So hidden. Tell me how to be found.

Tell me where I went wrong and how to fix it. Tell me.

Be there. Help me. My heart is not hidden, but is lost.

It is gone and I murdered my tears from long ago.

How do I escape? Why did my father run away?

 

FADED

 

How did all I wish for fade away to dark corners?

Memories lost in women I don't remember, but loved.

And loved well. I am the cure, the healer. A great man.

Reputation. Image. Stereotype expected.

And I performed. Performed mighty acts of great beauty.

I gave them all what they asked for, what they begged from me.

I took pity. Evidence of a soft heart. Not dead.

Not dying. Only faded. Faded memories, wants.

Clarity now a foggy windshield of hidden hearts.

My own speaking back to me from theirs. Those many hearts.

Innumerable. All voicing my desires, my wish.

To be known. To be loved. To be respected and seen.

But I am fading. Fading from wading through wastelands.

 

 

©2014 Arianna Sikorski All Rights Reserved